4/10/2018 – u p d a t e:
This post is incredibly overdramatic and outdated. Please, feel free to mock me in my irrationality. And, if you are going through a tough time that is similar, know you will survive and thrive. There is more to life than dating the boy on the football team.
(OVERDRAMATIC ALERT: I was being super irrational and, looking back, realize that our financial status was/is poor, but everything else isn’t half as bad as I thought. By the way, major apology to the dude I roasted in this post. You’re an awesome guy, I was being a total drama queen. Apologies in advance if you decide to read this post.)
I am just broken. Crushed. Shattered. And I am exhausted.
I’m confused, in a whirlwind of pain and hope and “why me” and gladness.
If I could describe what I’m feeling, I’d tell you I’m nostalgic, betrayed, upset, and hopeful.
We (my family and I) recently moved from California to another state. And, I never thought I’d say this, but I miss palm trees.
I recently received a text from a good friend of mine, telling me they were thinking of me and wishing me a very merry Christmas. And then I just became nostalgic.
I miss California. The snow here is cold, it’s supposed to be 10 degrees Sunday morning (may I tell you, I have to unload a trailer at 7:00am, and get up when the sun doesn’t in order to get to my destination on time), and I. I have felt so lonely. I feel like I can’t really trust anyone in my church’s Youth Group here, except for maybe three people. It sucks. I miss my friends.
I like this dude. He likes me. We’ve got a thing going, but we aren’t dating. And I’m pretty sure he’s losing interest in me for someone else. You can already see where this is going.
He’s been acting different and I honestly don’t think he likes me anymore. When we last hung out, every time I would get close to him he’d step away. He seemed grossed out by me being next to him. He hung around this other girl, and he looks at her the way he used to look at me.
He jokes with her, plays with her, teases her. Sure, he smothers me with gifts, but the truth is you can give someone the world, and all they’ve ever really needed is your full love and attention.
An empty heart doesn’t want gifts: an empty heart wants love. And, right now, I’m very empty.
(UPDATE: He told me he knew she liked him, and he told me not to worry. They’re just friends. I’ve concluded I was overdramatic, or he realized he was flirting with her a bit and decided to stop. Or maybe he didn’t realize he was flirting until someone pointed it out, or someone told him my concern, or something. IDEK. Whoever told him, thank you. I seriously shouldn’t be worrying about this kind of crap right now. Literally. I should be focused on the path Christ has for me to take, becoming myself before anything else.)
Obviously, I’m upset because I miss my friends, and this dude clearly doesn’t want to admit he likes this other chick.
So… what is my solution?
Binge watch Netflix or Connor Franta? Cry in a bowl of brownies and ice cream? Listen to Troye Sivan’s “DKLA” on repeat?
Girl (or bro), I’ve tried that. Nothing works.
This isn’t the first time a guy has left. And, honestly, if he’s stupid enough to leave you, then let him go. He isn’t worth your time and energy. He should be chasing you, not vice versa.
I’m hopeful. I have this small glimmer of hope in my chest, a sparkle in my eye, and an amount of love within my heart, which overflows abundantly when I call on the name of Christ.
All I really need is Christ, and to focus on Him.
Hold things in your life with a loose grip. Everything in this life is temporary. Including your family, your friends, your possessions, or even your pet(s). Everything in our lives on earth are temporary.
God will give us things, and He has the right to take them away at any given moment. And for good reason. And there’s nothing we can do to stop Him.
The harder you hold on, the more painful it’ll be when He pries what you cling to so tightly from your knuckles.
God has every right to do anything at any given time. No, don’t live in fear. He isn’t waiting to “smite” you or something. He is a holy, generous God, but also just. He cares, that’s why He will remove something He doesn’t see fit, or sees something that will harm you in the long run.
Nothing is ours to keep. I’m in no way saying you should become the Grinch, live in a secluded cave, and never love. In fact, that’s the opposite of what I’m saying.
I’m telling you: love, and love well. Live, and live well. Live your life to its fullest potential for Christ. But be prepared for anything, and everything. Worry about nothing, trust God, because He’s going to handle everything.
Give Him your cares, and in return, He will protect you. Even if you get hurt, He promises you’ll grow only if you choose Him first.
Keep a loose grip, and trust God.
THANK YOU to my close friend and brotherly figure, Brandon, for giving me this wonderful advice.